“E” − The Scary Guy and The Mean Girls

I bolted from this job after 8 weeks in what I can only describe as the most toxic environment I’d ever experienced, and that’s saying a lot. First, there was the director of marketing to whom I reported and who gave me a serious case of the heebee jeebees. Too often, I’d discover him watching me from the entrance to my tiny, coat-closet cum office (the office being a  former coat closet from which the double sliding doors were removed and outfitted with a shelf and file cabinets along the back wall). His silent, unexpected appearances occurred often enough for me to purchase and hang a mirror so I would know when he was standing behind me. He stood way too close when we spoke so that his 6-foot standing frame positioned his pelvic area within 6 inches of my seated face. I’d back up my chair until I hit the wall, which wasn’t very far, at which point I’d rise from the chair on the pretense of removing something from a cabinet. He also liked to pull up a chair to sit alongside and regale me with tales of his glory days as a college jock, peppered with a lot of shockingly inappropriate sexual innuendo. One phrase he used comes to mind immediately because I’m pretty sure he used it incorrectly. In describing one of his male college chum’s choice of swim suit, he said he wore an “over the shoulder boulder holder.” Huh? I had no idea what this was but looked it up after he left. According to the Urban Dictionary, it’s frat-boy euphenism for a large bra. So his college buddy wore a large bra to go swimming? I was very confused. Still am.

The Scary Guy also misrepresented what my job responsibilities would be but when I called him on it, original job description in hand, he insisted I misunderstood.  Most unfortunately, he had no credibility whatsoever in the firm and the cloud of suspicion extended over me as a member of his department.

The Attack of The Mean Girls

Precisely one week after I took up residence in the coat closet, a 30-something Chicago-based manager, the very one who first interviewed me for the job, circulated a memo to 10 people, including the CMO, complaining about my lack of writing and editing skills. As evidence, she attached an executive summary that I had originally drafted but which had subsequently been badly rewritten umpteen times by a series of lawyers and marketeers to the point that it was no longer possible to determine who contributed what. This is SOP at most professional services firms so the rewrites didn’t surprise or upset me in the least. What did surprise me was the Chicago manager’s inexplicable determination to publicly discredit and disparage a fellow marketeer after only one week on the job. After the initial shock, my next reaction was to question the sanity of someone who not only would do such a thing, but do such a thing that would call into question her own judgment in recommending me for hiring, while simultaneously displaying a very unflattering image of a back-stabbing, in-fighting marketing staff. Law partners are not especially fond of bankrolling marketing departments under the best circumstances. Showcasing the department as a bunch of back-biting, trash-talking competitors is not beneficial to anyone, least of all the marketing department − a classic example of cutting your nose to spite your face.

In an attempt to salvage my reputation, I black-lined the documents (a standard law-firm tool that indentifies the differences between two versions of a document, in this case, my original and the one attached to the diatribe) and attached it to a response in which I calmly explained that, although the final version bore little resemblance to my original, there was no need to panic; all can and will be made well again. But it was too late. The damage was done and my reputation was ruined before I even got out of the gate.

Things got worse. Not long afterwards, I was asked to give a short presentation on proposals at a Marketing Department meeting in Chicago. The presentation went over surprisingly well but as I was speaking, I saw the Chicago manager at a table with 3 similarly aged, similarly dressed and similarly coifed women. The four of them whispered and pointed and giggled throughout my address. This is going to be a problem, I thought, so I decided to try and nip this baffling situation in the bud. At various times throughout the 2-day meeting, I made several attempts to interact with the Chicago manager with the hope of smoothing things over, perhaps with some friendly conversation, but each time she or one of her cohorts saw me approach, the group skittered away in unison like a giant 4-headed, 8-legged crab. I even attempted to infiltrate the coven at lunch but as I approached the table, all four instantly picked up their overflowing plates and relocated, just like the high school mean girls. I was flabbergasted and briefly considered trailing them around the room as they jumped from table to table in an effort to avoid me but frankly, I was too tired.  In retrospect, I should have though − might have gotten a few laughs out of it.

Despite my puzzlement over this juvenile behavior and the mysterious origins of the coven’s animosity toward me, the little mean girls represented the least of my problems with this outfit. My real issue was with The Scary Guy. Although I was physically intimidated by him, I made a (now regrettable) decision not to lodge a compliant or confront him directly. I just didn’t see the point of making any effort whatsoever to remain employed in such an unpleasant environment. Even if I did manage to straighten things out with The Scary Guy, I’d then have to deal with the Mean Girls. It just didn’t seem worth it. Luckily, less than 2 months after my start date, the CMO of another law firm called and invited me to join her. I bolted at the first opportunity and unfortunately burned a few bridges in the process.  

I later learned that the Scary Guy was dismissed about 6 months later, reason unknown. The Mean Girls, I suspect are still there, coordinating their outfits, messing with people’s heads and scheming up new ways to damage reputations for lack of anything better to do for amusement. I would not be surprised to learn that they are now all CMOs tinkering with their own fiefdoms.

Lesson learned:  Knowing exactly when and how to cut your losses is a valuable skill but obviously one I do not possess.